my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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