I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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