if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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