apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
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