Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
