Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
