you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Randomize
