Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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