Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
