I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
