I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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