You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize