He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Still dying that you shit outside
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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