We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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