3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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