Do you think red sox nation has an official powerpoint template/memo format for resignations of manny support, bandwagon applications, and other official business?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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