is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
