checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
