you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Randomize
