first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
