I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
