I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
