I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
