you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
