Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
