I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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