feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
