Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
