he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
