Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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