I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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