as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
