It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
