How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
