This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
