Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
