I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
