well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
