I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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