At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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