I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
