She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
