I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
