pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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