Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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