Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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