I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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