that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
