The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
