I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
