Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
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