I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
