Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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