so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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