Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
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