I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
