the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
It's like God shit irony all over that family
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
people are starting to question the shark bite story
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
