"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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