We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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