We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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