my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Randomize
