I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
